(Note to reader: This satirical essay was first published by Villagewit.org, October, 2008 – just following the Wall St. meltdown/financial crisis.)

Smashing Protons, Super Strings,
and My theory of Everything

   It’s called the Large Hadron Collider (or LHC)…
   The what? Ok, that’s geek-speak for “really expensive and dangerous atom smasher”…or, in this case, a proton smasher. The huge smashing machine was scheduled to go on-line and create a “mini-black hole” and then suck all of us into it, on September 10th of this year. Unfortunately, due to some mal-functioning magnets (Huh?...the whole thing runs on freakin’ magnets?), this did not happen. Now I’ve still got all those sub prime mortgage payments to make.
   As it stands now, the LHC won’t begin sucking us into a bottomless void until Christmas, at least (“Merry Christmas, honey, look, it’s our foreclosure notice…hey, I feel kinda strange…ZZZAPPP!”)…
   So, why did they build the darned thing in the first place? Well, it’s all about finding particles. Now, finding particles may not seem to warrant ten billion Euros (I find particles all the time—it helps if you never vacuum), but these are really, really, really, tiny particles. They are so tiny that only a really powerful machine can ever possibly find them. One of these particles is called the Higgs Boson (named after some egg-head, particle dude) which “gives mass to all the other particles”. It’s basically a sub-atomic version of a financial bailout, or perhaps, socialism, i.e., “spreading the mass (wealth) around”. 
   Whichever, here’s the kicker: if they find this Boson thing, it will “complete” the Standard Model of Quantum Physics. But if they don’t find it, then it could mean a lot of stuff is wrong—even part of Einstein’s own General Theory of Relativity! Now, who wouldn’t relish proving that “genius” Einstein wrong ? Alas, most scientists are confident that they will find it. The real concern (apart from, oh, destroying the freakin’ planet) is that they might not find anything else; no new particles beyond the boson. Just try applying for funding for an even bigger smasher when the last one you built could only find one lousy particle! Next!
   Getting back to particles, the real excitement for particle geeks is about maybe finding “super partner particles” which are these hidden particles that every known particle has, kind of like having a secret, homosexual lover, kind of. If they find some of these, this could reveal “hidden dimensions” (like the re-set clauses in that sub prime mortgage contract you signed) which would verify the existence of “superstrings”. Huh? What happened to particles? Well, according to a radical, splinter group in the physics club, particles are actually made of vibrating strings (and that’s final—do you hear me?). 
   Superstrings, or just plain “strings”, are, according to particle people, the fundamental, “building blocks” of the universe. Everything’s made of  string (as opposed to mere “stuff”, or the more vulgar “shit”). This is known as String Theory (physicists debate several string theories, but reject those involving silly string). Higher dimensional String Theory may be the Theory of Everything (or TOE) which is the theory that unifies Quantum stuff and Relativity into one perfect theory, kind of like peanut butter and chocolate in one candy bar (yum). 
   Possibly, there’s no proof yet.
   Given that lack of proof, it seems opportune to advance my own “theory of everything”, which describes the “building blocks of matter” in much more proletarian terms. I call it Stoogian Physics.
   Stoogian physics involves the chaotic interactions of three, “sub-intelligent” particles: the moe-on, the larry-on, and the curley-on. These particles are constantly bumping into and/or hitting each other. There is also a partner form of the curley-on called the shemp-on, which, despite its different appearance, is treated exactly the same as the curley-on by the other two. There is also a neutral form of the curley-on called the joe-on, which only appears when the curley-on and shemp-on are not around. 
   The physical stuff of the universe depends upon a given combination of these particles. Depending upon the ratio of curley-ons to moe-ons, or larry-ons to curley-ons, this can mean the difference between, say, a pair of pliers and a coconut cream pie. Despite the limited and violent behavior of these particles, they hang around each other forever.
   Stoogian physics demonstrates that the Universe in not just chaotic--it’s fundamentally stupid. 
   Need proof? Just ask that bank that invested your entire pension in mortgage-backed securities!

         ~~ Michael Ricciardi  (October, 2008)